I’m Terrified

I’m terrified.

I’m gonna fuck it up.

I am going to fuck this up.

I can do this. I can do this.

I’m going to walk into the hospital with my head held high.
I’m going to say hello to the receptionist who’s name reminds me of doritos – it makes me smile.
I’m going to walk into my first group and say, “Hi, I’m Jennifer.”
I’m going to sit in my chair and eat my lunch – for the first time in a long time.
I’m going to sit in my discomfort and feel the food in my stomach – I’m in a lot of pain.
I’m going to tell my doctor about my anxiety.
I’m going to listen to the doctors and distract myself from the negativity in my head.
I’m going to swallow my pride and accept the help that’s being offered to me.
I’m going to focus on how I can live.
I’m going to take a deep breath and eat my snack – the pain and anxiety is overwhelming.
I’m going to push myself to get better – to be better – for me.
I’m going to fight this disorder if it’s the last thing I do.
I’m going to learn how to live a new life.
I’m going to take control of this parasitic disorder.
I’m going to ask my dietitian for an ice pack for my anxiety.
I’m going to be mindful of who is around me.
I’m going to eat my dinner surrounded with people who understand.
I’m going to feel supported and scared.
I’m going to be anxious.

Last of all, I’m going to cry – and that’s okay – because I did it.