I’m not going to you mention you by name because the moment you read this, you’ll know it’s for you – and I know you’ll read this because you always support me.
I met you in the middle of my darkest time. I had just been discharged from Credit Valley’s Intensive ED Unit into their Transitions program and already relapsing into the world controlled by my eating disorder, and quite frankly did not want to recover. I felt hopeful for my future but I still didn’t believe that I would have a long life. I was only at the beginning of my journey and I had no idea what was ahead of me. You’d been kicked out of Transitions so I sent you a message wishing you the best in your recovery and the next thing I know, we’re licking cheese sauce from the bottom of our bowls at Panera.
Since then, we have licked the bottoms of many more dishes in both public and private, encouraging each other to take each meal bite by bite. We spent so much time talking on the phone that I actually had to get my phone plan changed so I would stop spending so much money on long-distance, and eventually, I just bought a Google chromebook just to Duo (Google version of facetime, for you iPhone users) with you wherever I went.
I admire you so much more than I think you’ll ever realize. When I think of you, I think of resilience, strength, and the determination that it has taken for you to be sitting where you are and I am admired. You acknowledge that life isn’t easy and you practice what you preach. I sit down every day and wonder how I became the lucky person you call your best friend.
Thank you for constantly challenging my thoughts – filtering out ED’s comments and helping me focus on mine – and for pushing me to be my best. I’ve never had a friendship with someone who was so willing to call me out on my bullshit to steer me onto the recovery pathway. You are my role model in my recovery – the person I look up to most – because of how honest you are and how open you are to constructing a life worth living. You’ve always supported me when I need you and I don’t think I can ever show you how much I love you and how much I appreciate your soul in this world. For fucks sake, you took an 8 hour bus ride to Toronto just to make sure I ate breakfast while Shawn was on a work trip.
You’ve taught me so much about the world – about myself – and you’ve opened me to experiences I never thought I would have. You taught me to have faith in people and that it’s okay to need someone. You inspire me in my recovery and in my life on a daily basis.
I remember when we first met and I was having a really bad day. I was on the verge on self-harming and you sent me a video of this kitten…… riding a fucking tortoise…… and I knew I had met a kindred spirit. Ever since then, we’ve supported each other through everything we’ve experienced – together. I’ll stick by your side through anything and I have confidence that you’ll stick by me. I have no fear about losing you because I know and believe that you have that same fear too. I love you too much to put you through that.
I’m really looking forward to the day that we’re sitting on a porch in our rocking chairs, crocheting and talking about the ol’ days, and have overcome all of the bullshit that has held us back. We got through all of it – together – and I’ll be so proud to hold your hand through this roller-coaster bullshit that is life. We’ll stretch our wrinkles to show my grand-kids our tattoos and we’ll watch them play with Lilith IV (we cloned Lily) in the garden, sharing a joint that a doctor once used to determine our worth and just laugh about how ridiculous he was. I’ll always be proud to be your best friend.
You’ll never be alone again. I will always be here, even from 300+ km away, loving you and supporting you with every ounce of my being. You’re my lobster, my noodle – you’re my fucking everything – and I can’t imagine life without you.
I love you. Forever.
- xo – HAUS of HAIRROR, Jennifer Walton