When I woke up this morning, I wasn’t expecting what had happened. I knew something wasn’t right – no one calls at 6am on a Sunday with good news – but this… I don’t think I could have seen this coming. I still don’t want to believe that Mom found you on the ground this morning. I don’t want to believe it.
This can’t be real. You can’t be there right now. You’re supposed to be at home curled up with Mom watching Tiger King or Ozark. You’re supposed to be talking about what you’re going to do tomorrow and about stupid things Trump has done. You’re not supposed to be lucky to be alive and drugged, alone in hospital bed. Please, someone pinch me and tell me I’m dreaming. Fear sits on my chest and I can’t breathe. Just tell me I’m dreaming and that when I wake up this will all be over.
I want to be six again, Daddy. I want to sit on your shoulders and see the world from up high because when you’re holding me I’m not scared of anything. When I was on your shoulders, I could see everything and I felt excited, safe and loved – but Daddy, I don’t feel safe anymore. Daddy, I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll never be able to feel safe anymore Daddy. I want to be six again and safe on your shoulders.
I can’t imagine how scared you must be, Daddy – but I need you to fight. We can’t lose you – I can’t lose you. I need my Dad to see me healthy for the first time in years; to walk me down the aisle in a princess ballgown and hand me off to my love; to hold my newborn and tell me I did a good job; and to tell stories of the good ol’ days. Daddy, I need you. I’m not done being your little girl and I’m not ready to lose you. Please, fight – I know you’ve got it in you. I wouldn’t be who I am if I didn’t have you ability to be strong, but I am, Daddy, I’m strong because of you. I need my Dad in my life so I can keep being strong. Mom needs you and Robert needs you – we all need you.
Please don’t give up Daddy. I need you to remember who you are, where you live, and everything that’s going on. I need my Dad back. I need more late-night campfires telling stories and sharing a vape (because we’re modern now and you vape), and I’ll tell you something: you are going to be there god dammit. I don’t care if I have to drag you there myself, I will not let you die. I’ll keep fighting for you Dad, please, just don’t give up.
Daddy’s Little Girl