Ground Zero

This is all too familiar: the bright lights; the sound of blow dryers; and worst of all, the mirrors. It’s bittersweet. I have worked so hard to get to this point and now that I’m here, I’m doubting every decision I’ve ever made. This is where everything went wrong.

When I originally registered to Marca College, I was determined to do something great with my life. I was motivated to make a big change in my life, and I did. Starting at a new school was definitely a big change and I actually loved it! I got the opportunity to meet amazing new people, learn new techniques and skills, and make my mark in the industry. I was so proud of myself for getting myself up everyday and getting myself to school (it’s no easy task), and I believed I was in a much better place that I had been in prior.

Unfortunately, I was a ticking time bomb.

With each day that passed, I gave up a bit of my recovery in order to feel successful in my career. When I applied to Marca, I was a patient with Credit Valley’s Eating Disorder Unit and every day was about putting the food I needed to live into my body. My eating disorder consumed all of my time and attention and I was exhausted. I believed that what I wanted was to be out in the world – away from my eating disorder – so that I could have a life outside of the hospital – but what I really needed was to live. By registering for Marca College, I took away any chance of recovery for myself.

It was easy for me to find reasons not to eat and even easier for me to hide my food. Marca College became the place that I couldn’t allow myself to eat. I had to work and I had to show people that I could work (at least, that’s what Ed & I believed). Ed had such a strong hold over my body and mind that I didn’t see anything wrong with pushing my lunch back a few hours just for an opportunity to show my skills. I didn’t see a problem with skipping breakfast to make sure I got to school on time. I didn’t see a problem with working 8+ hours without a break. Sometimes, I didn’t even see a problem with one of my teachers getting angry with me for going to have my lunch break. The truth is, there are problems in each of those scenarios and at the time, I couldn’t see that. It took me a long time to notice these problems and I’m still learning how to cope with them.

I don’t know what to do next. I feel like I’m stuck in neutral. I’m back here at Marca College and I don’t know what to do. I know what I should be doing (a.k.a, eating my food, doing clients hair, etc), but it’s dangerous. It’s a slippery slope back to the hospital and it’s hard to climb back.

This is where I learn to make it right.

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