I actually made it through my first week back at Marca College. I got through it. I woke up every morning and made the decision to keep going.
The best part? I made it through the week with little to no symptoms. That’s right!
This week has been difficult to navigate. My week started off with a major re-adjustment: I started full-time school (again) in order to complete my diploma; and it’s not ending any easier. On top of starting school, I’ve had to navigate my eating disorder and the invasive thoughts that come with it; one of my closest friends going through a traumatic event; and rescuing a one month old kitten, abandoned with her siblings. I’d be lying if I said this week was anything but intense. So much has happened every day that I feel like I’m losing my mind.
I walked into school on my first day and felt like I was re-living one of the worst periods of my life. I was terrified that I was going to walk in the door and be my old self again – my “sick self”. I don’t want to be stuck in an endless cycle of starving and hating myself because it never works out. Time and time again, I’ve learned that food is medicine and if i listen to the voice in my head that says “don’t eat”, I’m never going to accomplish what I want with my life. It’s exhausting being stuck in that pattern. Only by eating and properly taking care of myself will I ever be able to get married and have a child; climb literal mountains, not the metaphorical crap I’ve been dealing with; have a career fueled by my passion; and wake up every morning to see the love of my life drooling on my pillow. I want those things and I’ve learned the hard way that starvation should not be my motivation. I have to remind myself that I’ve changed since I left, and so has Marca. Only 1 of my teachers – we call her ‘Mom’ – was still in the Marca family when I returned and the students are completely different. This Marca College is different from the one I grew accustomed to and I’m excited.
It shocks me that there are people in our world that would abandon 5 kittens (barely old enough to away from the mother) in a box in the middle of nowhere – Amelia can’t fend for herself: we have to bottle-feed her to make sure she’s getting everything she needs; we have to put medication on her paw and place a cone over her head to allow her paw to properly heal; and we have to make sure she keeps warm. She is just a baby. She needs someone to love her and for now, that’s going to be Shawn and I. My heart breaks for Amelia whenever I think of her out there in the cold, trying to huddle with her siblings to stay alive. How could someone do that to a baby?
We named her Amelia – after Amelia Earhart – because of how much bravery she has shown us in the small time we’ve known her. She truly is fearless and I admire her. I love her already and I hope we’re able to keep her – I don’t want her to go through the anxiety of moving again. She deserves a good home.
Good news for us is that our little rescue is healthy and should grow to be strong. She’s small – the runt of her family – and was, unfortunately, malnourished and dehydrated as a result. She was found in a box with a small injury on her back left paw and needed immediate care. Now, we need to give her medicine twice a day and place her in a cone when we’re not watching her but she’s going to be okay – she’s alive. I want to thank Evelyn (the woman who found them) for getting her and her siblings to a vet as soon as possible. Because of you, these kittens have a future. Because of you, Shawn and I had the amazing opportunity of watching this little girl welcome us into her heart and make a home in my oogie boogie onesie.
I admire Amelia – she’s just a baby and she fought for her life – and seeing her sleep in her new daddy’s arms warms my heart. She didn’t know if she was going to make it and she fought. She is stronger than most people I know and yet, she can curl up on the palm of my hand. She’s going to have a good life. If I can fight half as hard as Amy, I think I’ll have an alright life too.