A Goodbye Letter to My “Best” Friend

Dear former friend,

We used to be best friends. We used to talk every day; walk to school together every morning; and stay up late almost every night playing video games. We took care of each other when we needed to. A big part of me thought that we’d be friends forever but I don’t even know who you are anymore.

You see, when I needed you most you abandoned me. I reached to you for help and you got angry at me and pushed me away. My mom was dying and you ignored me. I had never felt more alone than in that moment. Since then, I’ve thought a lot about our friendship and as much as I treasured our memories together, I don’t want you in my life anymore and I’m not sorry about it. I look back and I’m not even sure if we were as close as I thought. I don’t think we were ever really best friends (except that one summer we spent every day together). I feel that our friendship was one of convenience for you – when you had no one to walk to school with, you called me (even though at that time we weren’t very close)  – and that you were always willing to choose a “better option” once it came around. I was never good enough for you.

Now that we’re not in each other’s lives, I can see all the ways that we weren’t friends. Did it ever occur to you that it hurt when you didn’t invite me to your birthday party? Or even hang out with me at school? I honestly feel that you didn’t really want to be around me. Did I embarrass you in front of your new, cool friends? Am I not the person you thought I’d be? I never felt truly accepted by you, especially when you looked down on me for smoking pot in college. You openly made judgements about how you disliked that I smoked pot; however, it’s fine for you to get drunk. What is the difference? I came out to your girlfriend’s concert to support her simply because of you. I didn’t see any of your other friends there. I went simply for you. After months of me snapchatting you and texting you with little to no response, I went because I cared about you. I don’t think you even messaged me afterwards, but I genuinely don’t remember.

Look, I’m not trying to make you the bad guy. It’s my fault as much as it is yours. I wasn’t able to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship and that’s on me. I was so consumed by my illness that I wasn’t able to notice the red flags. Things are different for me now as I’m sure they are for you. I just really wish that, six years ago, I could have seen what I see now. I think my life would be different. I wouldn’t have tried so hard to be your friend and I wouldn’t have felt so pathetic when you left me out of your life, yet claimed to care enough to call yourself my best friend. We were friends on your terms and your terms only, and I’m done with your terms. I am done apologizing and feeling guilty for the choices I’ve made because they have pushed me from you. I have a best friend now who calls me everyday to eat breakfast with me and drives 7 hours just to spend 1 with me, and I feel so loved for the first time in my life. I feel like I finally have the best friend that I really thought you were. I am so lucky to have them in my life so that I can experience what friendship really is and what it feels like to be someone’s best friend.

We have some good memories and I won’t forget them. Thank you. They, just like you, are a part of my past and I’m moving forward. I doubt you’ll apologize for abandoning me when my Mom was on her deathbed and I doubt I’d even forgive you; and I can move forward knowing that I made the right decisions and that I stuck to my morals. I hope you have a nice life, just as I intend to.

XOXO, Jennifer

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